Part of me is sitting here trying to figure out what to write. The other part of me tells me I should just be honest and write what is going on in my life, my heart and my mind.
Honestly I would being lying if I said everything was great. Mark and I are finding ourselves in yet another bad car situation. Once again we are driving around another car that is having problems. I know that its just a car, but this is like the fourth car in two years that we have had problems with. Unfortunatly, we are in a situation where we still owe a little bit on the car and now we are possibly looking at a problem that is going to cost close to $1000 to fix (we just dropped $1000 into in about 6 weeks ago). The biggest problem is that we don't have the money to fix it. Mark's hours got cut in half at work and I can't put in anymore hours at my job. We have been trying to save even just a little for awhile, but now we are just scraping by on what we make. We both are looking at trying to find second jobs. But the downside to that is that Mark leaves in four months for basic training and we will never see each other if we get second jobs. And we want to spend as much time together as possible considering we have no idea what is going to happen over the next four years.
I am also struggling with the longing to have our own space and our own home. Its so hard sometimes to just be alone together when there are so many people in one household. I am so grateful to my parents for allowing us to stay with them right now. But I hate being 22 and married and still having to rely on them for a place to live.
I have been struggling a lot with selfishness and letting go. I know that none of these trials are huge and that they are all little things that will eventually work out. But it is so hard for me to not stand here and just yell at God and question Him. I have been humbled so many times this week. I realize that there are people who are worse off then we are, but its so easy to forget. On sunday the sermon was on Job. Job's story in itself is enough to shame anyone feeling sorry for themselves. But then I have been reading lately a lot of random books and bible verses and it always comes back that God's time is His own. Its not my time. I can rant and rave about how old I am and how hard I work and how things should just be coming together after so long and how things are going according to my plan. But thats just it, it isn't about my plan. Its about God's plan. Things are going according to His plan. He isn't pacing back and forth wondering how everything is going to work out. He already knows. Its His plan. So instead of trying to work everything out on my own, I am working on stepping back and just praying. I am working on giving my control issues, my wants, my plans over to God and asking Him to help me seek His plan. I am praying that He opens my eyes to see His answers and solutions, instead of being blinded by what I think should be the answers.
Last night I sat in on the end of my parents' prayer group. Its just them in another couple, but it says in the bible "when two or more are gathered in my name". So I just sat with them and listened to them talk and list prayer requests and then continued to sit while they prayed and silently prayed with them. In those 10 or 20 minutes, God really humbled me. Among those requests where ones for people to be healed that had been sick and thanksgiving for one that had been healed and had not died. Here I was wallowing in stress and self-pity because my car is making a funny noise and someone else had almost lost their life. Another request was for someones friend who has been unemployed for sometime. Here I am complaining that I don't make enough money even though I am scraping by enough to pay my bills and eat when someone else doesn't even know where the money to pay for anything is going to come from. God spoke to my heart and reminded me of all the things I do have.
-I have a wonderful husband who loves me and who is working completely out of everything he has ever know to train to do the hardest thing he has ever had to do.
-I have an amazing family who loves me and parents who are so giving that they would open their home up to me and my husband and give us our very own room to live in.
-I have food to eat, plenty of clothes to wear and a bed to sleep in.
-I am in the best shape of my life and have a husband, a sister, an uncle and even two brothers that have been going on runs with me.
-I have little un-needed pleasures of life such as books, diet coke, internet and movies.
-I have wonderful moments in life where I get to go on dates with my husband.
-Most of all, I have a relationship with the Creator of everything and He loves me and has a plan for my life.
So now, when I start to feel sorry for myself, stress because things aren't working out the way I wanted, things are falling apart or I don't know where to go, I am going to remember Jeremiah 29:11-13 (see below) and Psalm 37:4 (see below). I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me. Even though I have no idea what it is, I keep praying that He will open my blind, human eyes and heart to see the path He has set before me.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
" 'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord. " Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' "
Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Quick note: If you think of Mark and I, please pray. We are four months away from Mark leaving for Basic Training with the Marines and signing a four year active duty contract. Everyday we get closer to November 15th and everyday it becomes more and more real to me. I won't deny that I am scared, we don't know what is going to happen after basic. Plus he is going to be gone for so long and I am not sure what I am going to do with myself over the next 4 years when I am alone without him. I just keep praying for strength and know that God is in control and it will all be okay. Please just pray for Mark and I and for strength and peace through all of this. And that God will continue to strengthen Mark's and my relationship through it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment