If We Are the Body...

Last night as I was leaving the gym with my Mom and Mark, I got a call from a friend of mine. She called because she just needed someone to talk to while she drove home to drown out the silence of being alone in her car. She had just left the house of one of her best friends. Her friend's mom died early in the morning due to a hit and run. Appearently from what they know she died instantly upon impact. The daughter is in shock still, understandably. She is in a difficult place. Her husband leaves in three weeks for Basic Training through the Army. She has an 18 month old son and is expecting her second child in about two months. My friend is worried about her and how she is going to cope and manage now. So I spent awhile on the phone with my friend while she drove home. All I could think was "oh no, what do I say? How do I be a comforter? How can I show Jesus through all of this without being 'pushy'?" I just kept praying for wisdom. I am not sure how to help right now. I want to help, I want to be there, but I have only met this family a few times. Even then, I don't know how to help. The only thing I can think of is to help out with meals or babysit...but I don't want to be invasive. So I am just sitting here, being available if my friend needs anything and waiting to hear if the family needs anything. I just keep thinking of the song by Casting Crowns that has the lines "If we are the body, why aren't his arms reaching?"

That isn't the only situation that has been throwing that line into my head. I have been struggling a lot with our church situation lately. My mom and I had a long discussion a few nights ago about it. I feel like the only thing I get out of church is the teachings. They are amazing! I have never been to a church where the teachings are this good and that hit home so well! But that is about all I get out of our church. Its a great church, its different (for one, its in an old bar and we have blacklights and bar stools). Its small, which is something I like and dislike. Every large church I have been to has given me the feeling of being lost in the crowd, although I haven't been to many large churches. Even though H2o is small, I still feel like I get lost in the crowd. You have no idea how many people I have met...and met...and met again and again and again because no one remembers who I am. Part of that is me too. Our church is very involved in Life Groups (House Church, Home Groups, Small Groups, etc). In fact they HIGHLY encourage you to join one. That would be great, except they were all in the evenings and for almost a year both Mark and I were working weird schedules and lots of evenings. Our church has a great Men's Ministry! Its amazing actually! But the Women's Ministry just started up and the once a month get-togethers never work out for me. So a lot of this is time on my part. I want to be involved so much more than I am. I want to be involved in a Youth Group, but our church doesn't really have one (we don't have many families, lots of young families). I miss being involved in AWANA, but of course we don't have enough kids for AWANA. I miss knowing people at church. I hate going to church every week and wondering who I am going to have to re-introduce myself to this week (or if I am going to get asked what grade I am in again...). But I understand that you will never find a church where you will be completely happy at. Plus Mark and I are not in a position right now to find another church considering Mark leaves in 10 weeks. I just wonder at how I can go to church and come away with so much to think about from the sermon, but otherwise feeling so discouraged and disheartended. I have been involved in teaching sunday school and working in the nursery. I love the babies and being around them, but I usually dread going because I will either be working with someone I don't know, or someone I will have to "re-meet" for the 2nd or 3rd time. I miss church involvement.

I also have really been struggling lately with family situation. I want one. I understand that Mark and I are not in a place to start a family right now, but my heart yearns for a family, for children, for our own home. These are more selfish yearnings, but they are still so close to my heart. I am daily quoting verses such as "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" and "For I know the plans I have for you". I keep praying and giving it over to the Lord.

I am also working on my thankfulness. Especially on days where I wonder how we will make it through this week, or where the car stops running and we don't know why, or when an unexpect bill comes up or things to do are just piling up on my list and I don't know how I will finish everything for everyone. Yesterday was a good example of this. Our car stopped running and we couldn't figure out why. Mark spent at least two hours working on it and trying to figure out what was wrong. I pretty much just decided that I didn't care anymore about cars. I couldn't stress over it anymore. But I did ask God when we were going to get a break. But then I remembered everything He had given us and how little a thing this really was. So I started going through everything I had to be thankful for, even the little things. My husband, my family, a roof over our heads, a bed, clothes, our own room, little household things, books, food to eat, a car (whether it runs or not), sunshine, health, friends, jobs, etc. So many people have so much less than us. So many people wonder not just how they will make it through the week, but how they will make it through the day. I am so blessed. I pray that I will be able to turn over the blessings God pours on me to others. That I may be a blessing to those around me. My husband, my family, my friends, co-workers, people I meet everyday.

If you think of it, please pray. This is a tough time for everyone and the holidays are around the corner. Please pray for the family whose Mom died. Please pray for my friend. Please pray that somehow I can be Jesus to them. Please pray for Mark as he gets ready to leave. Please pray for his family and my family job-wise.

The Unknown

I feel like I am walking down a path on the unknown. I can't see much farther down it, its covered in dark patches. I am walking on the path of unknown plans. Instead of turning and running back the way I have come, I have no choice but to press on and trust in the Lord. "For I know the plans I have for you..." I trust in Him, that He will hold my hand and lead Mark and I down this new path in life. Its hard somedays though. There is so much that we don't know about the next 6 months. We know that Mark will be at Basic for 13 weeks. There is a possibility that he will have some kind of leave after that, and then he is headed to the next step of training (which I have no idea what that is). Then after that we have no idea where he will be stationed, if he will be deployed (although they are telling us that there is something like a 90% chance that he will be deployed). We have no idea where all of this leaves me. I know that as of November 15th the United States Marine Corps. comes before wife, family and friends in Mark's life. I just wish I knew where this left me. Thankfully my parents are very welcoming and understanding and are letting me stay with them while Mark is at Basic and beyond that until we actually know more. I wish there was someone in that recruiting office that could tell us more.

Its ironic, I usually am sitting at work when I type my blogs. This job is much better than my job at Starbucks was, but its really boring. I have a lot of time on my hands and feel very unproductive most days. I hate sitting around with nothing to do. Even though I like the people I work for, I am still looking at other job opputunities and apply for them. I have so much time on my hands during the day at work that I don't think it is going to be a healthy job for me once November rolls around. I have too much time to sit and think. I have the type of personality that needs to stay busy. I wish I could go back to being a figure skating coach and dance teacher. I miss that.

Mark and I are trying to figure out what we are going to do the last two weeks together before Basic Training. He will be done with work at the end of October and I am taking the first two weeks of November off. We were hoping to go out of town for a few days, but that isn't looking financially possible. We are trying to figure out what we want to do to celebrate our first anniversary since we have to celebrate a few month early. He will be gone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Our First Anniversary, New Years and Valentine's Day. So somehow we have to celebrate all of them together before November 15th. He feels really bad about our Anniversary, but I reminded him that God willing, we will have many years of anniversaries when he is out of the Marines.

Mom and I were discussing November 16th. I am suppose to return to work that day because my boss told me I probably didn't want to stay home all day and lay in bed in cry (which she is wrong, that is probably exactly what I will want to do). But I really don't want to sit at my desk at work (bored) all day and cry, because that is what will end up happening if I come to work that day. So Mom was saying that she would spend the day with me and that we could go to Disney or I could Ice Skate all day or something like that. We also decided we are going to eat a giant Sam's Club Coconut Cake that day (ourselves...okay, I will share with the family). I am so blessed to have such an awesome and supportive and loving Mom and also a great family and awesome friends!